A FLY ON THE WALL...

I'm sitting in my studio tonight, conflicted with a recent development in my career. As an artist and a teacher, I never had an honest gauge of the perception of my work, my life, and my affect on people. A recent post at Illustration Art, hosted by David Apatoff, has given me a bit of perspective on the matter. Every day, I live a full life through my work, by sharing what I know, by being good and honest, and by pouring my heart and soul into the things that I create. I have never taken an easy path to my ends. I have found that these things have yielded true loyalty from friends, former students, patrons, piers, and even followers of my work that I have never met. Some very flattering, and moving things have been said about my life (that is my work, and my person), and some very scathing things about my skill, and my mind.

I have been incensed in the past at the success of those who are undeserving of their recognition. The situations where an artist has taken the easy way out and used shock, cheap tricks, or fashion in place of thought, skill, raw talent, and discipline. For me, these emotions come from a place of jealousy, and desire for what they have gained. The reward disproportionate to the reality. Admittedly, it burns hot in me for days at a time. Yet, in every scenario, I have found a way to turn that seed of jealousy that grows in my gut, into a challenge. I set a new bar. I find new ways of rearranging my opinions; of rewiring my thinking to find the positive. I have been fortunate to learn from everyone who has found success with their work, even if I disagree with it. In reality, it is the success that I begrudge, not the human being.

I have realized that the internet can be honest. Calloused, distant, and often sordid, but often honest. Individuals get to hide behind anonymous titles and throw stones at arms length. As hard as it is to read the harsh words of a critic, there is sometimes truth in those words. If an artist can put aside their ego, and see their own work (somewhat) objectively, they can grow exponentially. I have never been able to be a fly on the wall in this away. I can only relate it to being at your own funeral. At 32, I live my life as an artist, through teaching, painting, drawing, listening, reading, creating, and most importantly, sharing. I have tried to create artwork as I have tried to live my life: honestly.

I feel emotionally ill when I look at artwork that I wish that I had created, or that I am not capable of making. I take something away from those works. Images pop in sequence in my mind at nights like an old flashbulb, sometimes keeping me awake. My studio is littered with dozens of failed personal experiments for every piece that is commissioned by a client. If critics want to dwell on the quality of a painting that I created on deadline, a year or two ago, let them. I have moved on to the next. You are living in my past. Please, tell me something about my work that I don't already know.

When faced with such criticism, you only have two choices- to cower and let them win, or to be emboldened and face that next blank canvas that we all recognize as "judgement".

My most sincere thank you to Mr. Apatoff, and all of my benefactors. You have honored, and moved me.
To my detractors- I'm just getting started.